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Silence

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Last night I slept lovingly curled up with my husband. It’s something that hasn’t happened all too often lately, mostly because of a certain 18 month old who has “taken a break” from sleeping through the night. It was wonderful. I drifted to sleep thinking about how much I love the way he holds me. That’s when Yum Yums decided to wake up. He was crying for “Mommy”, panicked and afraid. I tried to lay him back down, and he did lay down – but only for a minute. This is the second time he woke up last night. The first time I was successfully able to get him back to sleep – in his own crib. This time, though, he clings to my arm, so I carry him back to our bed & he snuggles in close. Throughout the night he reaches for my face, as if to make sure it’s really me and I’m really here, and makes sure at least one body part (a foot, an elbow, his head) is touching either me or Jeff at all times. I think it’s sweet, but I also understand that this is a boy who is terrified of being alone.
I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you are thinking that I am both a fool and a bad mother for not letting him cry it out. Not letting him learn to face his fear and “put himself back to sleep”. Not giving him the tools early on to be able to deal with “the real world”: a place where Mommy and Daddy can’t be with you every second of your life. But I’m going to tell you something: he’s going to find out what it means to be alone soon enough. He doesn’t need me to teach it to him at 18 months in the dark stillness of the night.
Sleep, (or lack thereof) was not, oddly enough, where my thoughts were when I was snuggled back in bed, though. Instead, I was overcome by happiness and comfort and love, and I did what I often do – I reached for my phone. At 1:30am. To tell all my family and friends how happy and lucky I feel.
Wait. What???. I then thought to myself “Seriously? You’re going to write a status update? now? What in the holy heck has happened to you?”.
That was my first reaction. Then I remembered all the family & friends who were in marriages that were struggling. Or broken. Or over. Then I thought of my friends who were trying desperately to have a baby of their own & I realized that I should never post about these particular gratitudes because at any given moment in time, such a post could be seen as salt in a wound. I would never want that. So I remained silent and preserved the sanctity of the moment.
Silence. On a social media outlet. Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? Or does it? Lately, things that should never be said have been plastered almost everywhere. In some cases, uninvited comments that degrade, demoralize and offend. In other cases, graceless and blatant examples of poor taste and superiority. It is because of this, that I have decided to try my best to keep my big mouth shut. No small feat for me, let me tell you! Instead, on Facebook, I have decided to communicate mostly via images. Can a person gloat or offend through a photograph? Certainly. Evidence of this abounds on Instagram, but it is still my favorite social media outlet; and, I think, it is less likely that friends and family could misunderstand what I am trying to convey. Or at least, it’s hard to put my foot in my mouth if I just don’t open it. That’s my theory at the moment. I’ll let you know how that works out… And anyway, I still have this blog.

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