This morning, I had a lovely Mother’s Day “brunch” at The Muffin’s school. The class sang 2 songs (“You Are My Sunshine”, and some other song that I’d never heard before whose refrain was “I Love You”), which made me cry right in front of the whole class. Then the Muffin, who is also emotional, came running into my arms with tears streaming down her face. After some fruit and a blueberry muffin, I ask her why she was crying.
“Those songs just make me sad.”
Me, too, Muffin. Me, too.
I open the gift she made for me – which was a lovely baked clay bracelet that she made with her own little hands; and read the questionnaire she filled out about me. The best answer was that my favorite television show is – and I quote: “those scary shows that she watches after I go to bed.” (hee hee.) Yum yums ate all but 3 pieces of my fruit, and is all over the place, but I’m having a pretty nice time. Finally, I could contain the Yumsers no more, and it was nearly time for “Lunch Bunch” (mid-day enrichment class that she begged to be a part of), so I tell The Muffin I’m leaving. You’d have thought I was telling her I was moving to Antarctica. She grabs onto me, buries her face in my shirt and sobs “No!!! Don’t go!!!” I had to leave her crying her eyes out while her teacher tried to reason with her.
I don’t get it. She begged us to let her be a part of “Lunch Bunch”. It actually was a birthday present from her Grandma, and she was soooooo excited. She counted down the months until her May class. She counted down the days from last week’s “Lunch bunch”. She explained to me proudly this morning that I was to leave after the Mother’s Day Brunch, because she gets to stay. She had the biggest smile as she marched herself into the school armed with her lunch box and water bottle. Being a part of “Lunch Bunch”, it seems, is some sort of preschool badge of honor. So, why the tears? I guess I’ll never understand exactly what goes on in that little mind of hers. I left there feeling terrible.
Actually, lately, I’ve just generally been feeling terrible. I feel like a mess. Maybe it goes back to that “somewhere between 1/3 & mid-life crisis” I’ve been having. I found myself in the midst of this national celebration of mothers, hoping that my life is meant for more than just being a caregiver. I’m hoping that I have a destiny beyond laundry, dishes, and being a round-the-clock diner. I want my life to be more than that. I want to be special.
This makes me feel guilty. -And before anyone can shake their head, and remind me of how lucky I actually am: I know it. I know it, and this is why I feel guilty about all this. I love being a mother more than I’ve ever loved anything before in my life. I love each and every one of my children so much I think I might just explode. I am so grateful to be able to stay home during the day and be there for them, that I marvel at my good fortune and wonder what it was that I did to deserve such a precious thing. It is precisely this near dream of a life that makes me feel terrible about feeling anything other than perpetual happiness; and this guilt has been getting me down. Longing and guilt for the longing. What a head case I am! Or should I say: was.
So I’m feeling grateful and terrible and grateful and terrible, then I decide to open the present I got for myself. I have a gift card & I used it to buy something decadent for myself (which made me feel guilty – I know, I know). It seems I am now the proud owner of some magic beans. Real live magic beans! My friends, the gift I got for myself is 2 pounds of ground brewing chocolate! I wasn’t sure what to expect, exactly, as I filled the French Press with ground roasted chocolate beans, but what I got was chocolate euphoria! It tastes like a combination of chocolate, tea, and/or coffee. It isn’t thick like hot chocolate. It’s light the way a cup of tea is, and bitter the way a cup of coffee is, and yet chocolatey! I actually felt my brain tingle – in a good way. With every sip, I couldn’t help but smile a great big goofy smile. One cup, and I’m a new woman! I feel great! In fact, I feel so good, I’m wondering what the heck is in this stuff! Scratch that – I’m not sure I actually want to know. It’s “food of the gods”, and that’s good enough for me. Someone get me that Super Mom cape – I’m ready to run some errands!